Where am i now?

Time passed so fast, almost 1 year already...My title showing that i've lost, but its doesn't meant that making my life to be confuse...I'm still doing the same things, walking on the street that we use to hold together, eating the food that we use to enjoy together, seeing the view that we use to smile together, but its nothing change to me now...Eventhought i've changed alot, eventhought i've learned to be strong now, but i still cannot put it down...does it meant i'm still loving her? I don't know...and don't dare to know...standing on rainy day of the road, my heart raining too, sometimes i looking at someone who running through to their dream, i felt that i'm so worst...Where's my dream? Does it meant i'm just a weak buddy as like other loser? Yes i'm loser before, but actually what kind of things i lose? i think...i've lose of making decision at the time, i've lose to the Presure, Tension that pushing me to made the decision...If i'm trying to blame anyone, the first i'll going to blame is ME!!! Cause my weakness done the hurt to me...to her...But luckily someone belong her at that time...sounds like i'm so understanding right? But actually i can't, i can't forgive her, i can't forgive him, and i can't forgive myself...GOD...Why don't you give somemore times to me...i really decided to change when i came back from shanghai, but its too late...Maybe thats a punishment for my weaknesses at that time.............Almost 1 year already, tomorrow is her birthday...where am i? what can i do? haiz.....